This Labour government needs to stamp its mark on education in this country. Forget about fiddling with NCEA or abolishing charter schools and national standards. That’s all cosmetic nonsense. I’m talking about arming teachers. Giving ‘em guns so they can deal to the bad guys.

Classroom control would soon become a distant memory with a loaded ouzi nestled in my arms as I teach the intrinsic joys of free market economics. As Mr Trump points out, any armed intruder would quickly be wasted because teachers are all about “protecting their students”. This man is blessed with an intuitive understanding of classroom dynamics. I used to think he was just an ignorant narcissistic silver-spooned bozo. Yet he continues to amaze. Performance pay for teachers could be linked to the number of bad guys the mild-mannered geography teacher eliminates during term time. Holiday eliminations don’t count. It is sad that a bone spur in Mr Trump’s ankle, diagnosed by his daddy’s doctor, prevented him from serving in the Vietnam war. He could have made the difference if a previously undetected calcium accumulation hadn’t curtailed history. This man obviously understands what it means to be a warrior and to eliminate bad guys. He is now willing to unleash the warrior instinct in teachers in the United States.

Professional development for teachers could take on new meaning. Instead of endless discussions around pedagogy and assessment and learning styles they could all adjourn to the newest shooting range for some real targeted professional development.

My school recently introduced bollards to control traffic flows in and out of the school. They have an uncanny knack of ripping the underbelly out of the vehicles of unwary motorists. A thump in the sump has become a common occurrence. A bollard in the bollocks has become a sharp learning experience for many stressed teachers leaving at the end of the day. How they would cope with carrying arms could possibly be problematic. Likely a number of bullet-riddled bollards may result. Maybe a few strategically placed land mines on the periphery of schools would also enhance the safety of the learning environment. Based on Mr Trump’s educational philosophy, schools need to become armed fortresses so young people can get on with learning what it takes to live good decent lives in free open liberal democracies.

Despite my initial excitement and enthusiasm there’s just a few potential fishhooks that need to be sorted before we integrate Rambo into our teaching fraternity. There’s dear old Maggie who is forever losing her keys and making plaintiff enquiries as to their whereabouts at staff meetings. I could see potential issues if she misplaced her AK47 during a rare spell of inattention. Then there was wee Bill whose breath could be somewhat carcinogenic in the mornings. He had a slight anger management problem which often manifested itself in yelling, screaming, crying and tantrums in the corner, as his students looked on in bemused disbelief. I’m not sure if arming him would have been a particularly wise idea.

But overall I can appreciate the idea of more guns in schools. A volley of overhead gunfire would certainly raise attention spans. A failure to complete homework could be met with a muzzle flash that makes the recalcitrant student recognise the error of his ways.

The nice elderly ladies who run the commercial book stands could be supplemented by arms dealers eager to display the most effective semi-automatic for teachers to use to eliminate the bad guys. To waste the losers who periodically enter their classrooms intent on doing bad things to good folk. What an extremely simple solution.

Mr Trump has shown himself to be an unusually effective orator in the simplicity of his speech which effectively targets the linguistic needs of his chosen audience. What is needed to stop these bad guys massacring innocent students is very simple. Give teachers guns. If a bad man enters a classroom the teacher can then waste him. Deal to him in no uncertain terms. Mow him down in a hail of bullets. Kill the sick thug. After all, teachers care for their students. The logic makes perfect sense. God bless America for showing the way. More guns means more peace and less killings. If everyone is armed then no one will shoot. Seems to be working well for them so far.

What an incredibly sad mentality. Let’s hope the young people of Florida and the wider United States spark a real revolution in the face of such imbecilic barbaric dumbass ignorance.

Peter Lyons teaches good folk who prefer he is not armed.


  1. Peter Lyons could suggest the reintroduction of CADETs into the school system.I recollect the existence of the school armory-several hundred rifles and a dozen Bren light machine guns.,the school range regrettably limited to 22 calibre munitions but more fun with 303 calibre weapons on the Penrose range.Plus the annual shooting competition.All the boys were taught weapon and range discipline strictly enforced.Weapons were designed to injure or kill a target as shown by the shot grouping.Now,if the various USA states had a similar system to that which existed in NZ it is possible that school massacres would not happen at least not in secondary schools,Of course Lyons is being satirical and my suggestion is of a happy memory of Barracks Week.The protection of fellow students never entered our heads nor the thought of an attack by a deranged assailant as a possibility.Nor in NZ do we have a 2nd Amendment.All US students study The Constitution as holy writ.


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